Take This Cheater Quiz:
- Do you expect to save your marriage after cheating? What will be required for your partner to trust you again after the adultery?
- Do you expect your spouse or partner to forgive you for your sexual infidelity?
- Will you tell your mother (or if she is deceased, would you have told her when she was alive) that you cheated on your faithful partner?
- Name at least five reasons that cheaters cheat in their marriage?
- Do you expect your spouse or partner will find out about your unfaithful behavior? If so, how will they find out?
- If found out by your partner, will you admit to the cheating or deny it? If you do talk about it, how specific will you be with details?
- After the affair, will you forgive yourself?
- Does it seem to you that cheating and being sexually active outside of marriage is inevitable?
- Will you have any regrets about cheating? If so, what will they be?
- Does cheating in your marriage qualify you as a sex addict?
- Are you good at hiding, lying and deceiving? How will you hide the affair?
- Do you need to be caught, to feel guilty and to receive punishment for your misdeeds?
- Have you ever cheated and been sexually unfaithful to a monogamous partner before or is this your first time?
- What will cheating do for you or give you which you are not able to get any other way?
- Are you willing to discuss your answers to these questions with a professional counselor?
If you have unprotected sex, will you share that information with your spouse (or other sex partner)?”
Obviously, there are no right or wrong answers to this cheating quiz.
Furthermore, it’s not the kind of screening device that yields to tallying up a final score which might tell you something about whether or not, indeed, you’re cut out for adultery.
Having said the above, these questions are based upon talking points I have seen couples repeatedly focus on in their relationship when they deal with the issue of cheating. Each question comes out of certain beliefs about adultery and unfaithful behavior. It is not only the answers to the question that matters, but more importantly the ideas and beliefs that lead to those answers.
For example, question number eight: “Does it seen to you cheating is inevitable?” I hear husbands often say yes because that is the genetic mandate for male primates, to share the seed with any receptive female. Of course, when I ask them about incest with their daughters or other female relatives, most husbands who voice genetics as a rationale for cheating get insulted and angry with me for mentioning the very idea of incest. This would suggest that the cheating husband has some discretion and control over his “inevitable genetic mandate” after all.
Wives will often roll their eyes when talking about why their husband is a philanderer and say something like, “Boys will be boys. He’s always been that way with women.” At the same time, these wives seem hurt and surprised when they find out their husband has done exactly what they expected him to do.
Unfortunately, infidelity seemingly happens spontaneously with much passion without conscious thought as to the consequences it can lead to. It’s only in retrospect, after the cheating has become known, that couples begin to thoughtfully deal with the considerations this quiz highlights.
One other comment I would make is that there seems to be clear-cut differences between the aftermath in a relationship when the woman is the cheater as opposed to the man. Many husbands who cheat are not ready for divorce. In fact, they will proclaim their ongoing love for their spouse as well as a desire to keep the marriage going.
As a rule when a wife cheats, she does so more to meet emotional needs rather than physical needs. If the relationship she establishes in cheating does a better job of meeting those emotional needs than her marriage does, chances are very high the marriage will collapse and end in divorce.
I guess a word to the wise here for the fellows: if you plan to both cheat and keep your marriage, make sure you’re doing a darn good job meeting your wife’s intimate emotional needs during the infidelity. This of course leads to a whole kettle of worms. It is nearly impossible to meet emotional needs of another person and not be honest in your intimate communications with them. Deception corrodes emotional intimacy.
That may seem like a double-blind for the cheating husband in that full disclosure and transparency in the marriage would require him to reveal his cheating or his intention to cheat. But, if he has to do that prior to cheating, he may not end up being a cheat. Either he will decide as a result of dialogue with his wife to not cheat or he may go ahead and engage in the outside relationship. However, if the marriage ends, it wouldn’t be considered cheating. “Dating”, not “cheating”, would be the word to use if the husband is no longer married.
In a manner of speaking, most of married life can be experienced as darned if you do and darned if you don’t. Either you get this and pay for it by giving up that or you settle for some other quid pro quo.
Life, for men as well as women, seems to work against having anything we want, the way we want it, when we want it, with whom we want it and with no negative consequences. Sooner or later, we bump into life’s limitations, even in cheating.